To the narcissist that held my heart, and freedom for years...
It sounds crazy but thank you. It has taken a long time for me to be able to sort out many of my thoughts, how I handled different situations, what I and we went through. I'm finally at a point where I can reflect retrospectively, and appreciate the pain I endured at the extent of you verbally, physically, and emotionally.
I never deserved the pain, at least I don't think so, no one does. But likewise, you also didn't deserve to be put in a position to hurt me. Maybe I was the root of all the evil, that's your own story and your own truth to tell. But from my perspective, knowing what I know and feeling what I felt and the reciprocal affects of that, I don't believe what I felt was justifiable.
Not every day was a bad day, of course not, that would be insanity. The beginning was bliss, and arguably, you could've just been masking your true self and grooming me as part of your master plan. But in the beginning, things were great, just as most honeymoon phases are. You had it made. I gave you every ounce of love I had to give. I gave you all the fight that I had in me and then I gave you more. I emptied my cup for you. And at first, none of that mattered, I was happy to be giving you whatever I possibly could, it worked for the first year, maybe two, but in time I became starved and depleted. I was starving for the attention and affection, validation, respect, loyalty and just simple partnership in life. Instead I emptied my cup and gave you everything and you just held out your hands for more. I was met with doubt, strife, anger, aggression, deceit, and countless other negative things. But you know that.
The mental anguish and torture I faced taught me a lot, and gave me a strong mental fortitude that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. So what did you teach me?
First and foremost you taught me that I am strong, even when I'm at my lowest and I don't believe it, I know if it wasn't as strong, I would have never made it through the years we spent together. I have always been stubborn and hard headed but you taught me just how much, and how to use it. I had to be stubborn, I had no choice but to be hard headed, the relentless fights and turmoil would've consumed me if naïveté were at the forefront. You taught me both how to speak up, and when to keep my mouth shut. You taught me to persevere and keep grinding for what I want, and that is at your own expense now; wanting better for myself and my children is my only motivation and I'll be damned if I let my fears and past steal that from me. You taught me to expect the unexpected, look at everything from every angle and take everything with a grain of salt. I over analyze everything now! You sure taught me how to take a hit or two, and you taught me "the look" right before they come. You taught me how far my limits could be pushed in desperation in turn showing me just how much or how little I am willing to tolerate from anyone else in my life moving forward. You showed me how to crawl out from my lowest of lows and taught me how it feels to do it all alone. For all the wrong you showed me, there is a lot I learned, so thank you.
If for whatever unknown reason I am the one who drew you out of character, made you treat me how you did and say such things to me, I am sorry. But that is not my responsibility nor obligation to mend, I am working on me. I may be the villain in your story, I wasn't always good that's inevitable and I'll acknowledge that no problem, I've come to terms with my own downfalls. What you don't understand though, is through it all, I too have been drawn out of character. I am only a fragment of the person I was before I met you. And although I can appreciate the pain and growth I've faced and thank you for these lessons, I can never forgive you. I wish you nothing but the consequences and karma that you deserve. In the meantime, I will be continuing on my own healing journey, and if our paths ever cross again, you only knew what you created of me for a period in time, not who I am now or who I am striving to be. We are strangers now and forever more.
Until next time, I am still a little out of touch, and a little out of line.
Xx, Laur