Wreak ... "to bring about or cause (something that is harmful or damaging)." It is often used in the phrase "wreak havoc." this is today's Word of the Day by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, and it felt particularly profound as a topic to write about today.
Why do we allow people to wreak havoc on our lives? In our intimate relationships, families, workplaces, friendships.... why do we allow it? Narcissism. Trauma bonding. Fear of the unknown. There are many reasons why we don't cut ties for our own good, and continue to hold on to what has caused so much destruction in our lives. This leads to further issues moving forward in our lives, an almost eternal facet of who we become, some parts we heal from, but we are changed physiologically in ways we may not even be conscious of.
For me, I held onto a toxic relationship for many years, after seeing and dealing with every red flag, after knowing the damage that was being done. I was trauma bonded to the toxic environment I was surrounded by every single day. I had previously been in very toxic situations which I left more easily and quickly, but these were just a precursor of what was to come. Being treated poorly made me believe it was normal, and that I was going to be subjected to these feelings and behaviors forever, so I accepted them in each following relationship, ultimately costing myself a great deal. Until one day, enough became enough. I was becoming physically sick of the life I was living, and I knew no matter how hard, and how painful and dangerous leaving would be, it needed to be done. If I ever wanted to live a happier, healthier life not just for myself, but my two kids, who were learning EVERYTHING by watching this situation unfold at their most vulnerable ages, I needed to step up and make a change.
Leaving was TERRIFYING, there were SO many sleepless nights, and even now over a year later, there are still sleepless nights, what if's and a LOT of guilt associated. The recovery of allowing a narcissist to wreak havoc on my life has been long, slow and hard to say the least. It has caused pain to the people around me, and it has also brought me closer to others who I had let fall to the wayside. I am still learning to unlearn old behaviors and tendencies. I am still learning that I don't have to build walls over every minor inconvenience. That not every argument will end in physical violence. I am learning financial respect and responsibility, to accept help and gifts without them being backhanded. I am learning that not everything is my fault and I am an individual who has thoughts, passions, dreams and so much more who make me who I am, and I am learning how to embrace all of that. I've become very defensive and I isolate and shutdown quickly. I take blame and assume responsibility rather than communicating and reaching understandings. I always feel like each day could be the last. That isn't fair to myself, but it also isn't fair to my partner. But what I can say, is that it has taught me to be so much more raw and organic with my emotions. I can express when things make me uncomfortable, the biggest trigger lately has been loud noises and being touched. I instantly feel suffocated but I feel like subconsciously my body is reverting to a place where loud noise and physical touch meant chaos and danger, this isn't true anymore and I am trying to be okay with that.
It is so easy for us to thing that just because we left a situation that made our life feel unbalanced that that is the finish line. Those who wreak havoc on our lives have created a foundation that sticks with us. It is our right to learn how to build ourselves up around that. Just because the foundation may be riddled with pain, we have the right to create new framework and mold ourselves into whatever and whoever we want. We get to pave the future for ourselves and those around us to be happy and not just survive but thrive. But it isn't easy. It takes work, it takes patience - sometimes a lifetime, its a choice you make every day to better yourself and your future. Not every day you will know the answers, but keep pushing forward and each day will become more clear. You don't have to allow the havoc that others have wreaked on your life to continue to imprison you.
The tattoo on my right leg says it better than anything else I can really say, "destroy that which destroys you." Go out, and find yourself. It might not be today and it might not be tomorrow but each day you are closer to your serenity. Me too.
Until then, I am still a little out of touch, and a little out of line, but I am getting there a little more each day.
Comment below, what has wreaked havoc on your life lately, what are you struggling with, what are you healing from?
Xx, Laur